in defense of the button fly [Ben]
So last Friday we were talking about clothes, and suddenly, with more than a hint of chagrin in his voice, Liam uttered the words, "I'm dunno dude, I think I'm with Brian on this one...." And even as his words trailed off, my forehead was cloven in two by a molten flash of pain, the intensity of which was surpassed only by my disbelief.
Engulfed in a sudden whiteness, I reeled--not drunkenly, although I cannot blame you, friends, for suspecting so. Unable to stifle a cry, I sunk to my knees, grasping for the shards of my shattered taste equilibrium. For just a moment I thought I glimpsed the Balrog of aesthetic travesties--Thomas Kinkade--risen from the abyss, clad only in brown belt, black shoes, and white knee socks, poised to savage me with polka dotted and plaid bolts of lightening. Knowing nothing but that I alone could oppose this madness, this disastrous assault on the respectable definition of "well-tailored", I marshaled the following points in defense of the button fly:
1) Durability. Quite simply, there's more chance of your cock making an unexpected appearance if you're rocking a zipper. It may never have happened to you, and perhaps it never will... but I have suffered friends. There is photographic evidence. And because of this, I prefer to play the odds.
2) Safety. There's really only one situation where I want interlocking teeth in the vicinity of the precious. The danger is, of course, mitigated somewhat by the proper use of boxers or boxer briefs. (The jury's out on whether or not men who wear briefs actually possess penises and/or opportunities to use them.) But then again, why roll the dice when you don't have to?
3) It's the male bra strap. Really, now that I've taken time to reflect, this could be the most important point of all. This isn't the most perfect analogy. Obviously, some girl jeans have buttons, so there is a degree of familiarity, but the angle's all wrong, and in my experience, there's been very few times the entire unbuttoning operation has gone completely smoothly. Now, my male readers are probably being persuaded away from the button fly at this very moment, for who indeed would seek to put an additional roadblock between his penis and a willing female? But really, wouldn't we all agree that once fly fumbling has commenced, there's little chance of turning back? And wouldn't we all feel a bit better if ham handedness during assisted disrobing wasn't entirely our domain? I thought so.
Your thoughts on the matter are entirely welcome, but if they differ from mine, completely and irredeemably wrong.
3 Comments:
ok first off, I'm not advocating total abolition of the button or something here. it's blue jeans we're talking about here, not the 3-piece suit. the whole concept on which blue jeans are sold is that they are a no-fuss type garment. if they can make a nanite fly that responds to nerve impulses in my crotch i'll buy it.
i definitely share your fear regarding the chainsaw factor of a zipper fly (the mangling potential is insane), but much like office and construction equipment we've discussed, in this situation user error is usually to blame (it's common sense not to put yourself in a dangerous commando situation there). i'd say the biggest gripe i personally have with the zipper fly is the rampant crotch-tenting effect that a reinforced metal seam running through "front and center" on a pair of pants creates. THAT right there is annoying.
As for like zippers exploding or jamming or otherwise malfunctioning on you, I regretfully have little to no understanding of how you achieve this. Big Ben, lookin' like Bruce Banner or something, up in the bathroom, "RAAAHHH BEN SMASH," denim and nickel teeth flying everywhere... I dunno man. What I can relate to is being that guy who's at the urinal like 5-10 seconds longer than anyone else because he like forgot the combination to his genitals. A man standing in that lineup who is not arriving, peeing or leaving instantly starts emitting sex offender vibes, regardless of how normal or well-adjusted he seems. You just don't do that. And if you're drinking, I think you are far more likely to forego the steps of buttoning up than pulling up a zipper. I mean I know it's not a damn rubix cube but it's still a hassle.
Anyway this is getting long so I'll wrap it up-- I'm not against button fly pants. My favorite jeans, which I am wearing as I type this, are button fly. But to avoid the zipper on the issue of function places a man in the same category as people who require safety scissors and non-toxic writing utensils. And I KNOW that's not you dawg, because while I'm writing this you are on a ladder with at least 5 pieces of dangerous equipment strapped to your toolbelt. So maybe it comes down to the "creates an obstacle between you and lovin'" argument, which I cannot even begin to refute, as I have never been so totally inundated with phyiscal affection from a multitude of members of the fairer sex that "i wish this was more awkward" crossed through my brain. And for that alone you strike some kind of unbeatable knockout blow with your endorsement of button flies. That's like 10 light beer, Axe body spray and breathmint commercials rolled into one. I'm gonna go curl up and cry under my desk now. Late :)
Just a few comments to start
-Brian is obviously the Lord Voldermort to your Harry Potter
-Did you say, “I thought I glimpsed the Balrog of aesthetic travesties”? Holy shit. I am not only impressed, but also mystified.
And onto the button fly –
1) I’m not sure I get this point. Zippers in my experience zip…quite well. What would cause the zipper to unzip? How many zips does it take to the center of the…..
Also – why do you have photographic evidence of this mishap? Who exactly took those pictures? Are they on the Internet? Are you at least making money from this experience?
2) Agreed on both points. I’ll take Jon’s comments a step forward and say the tidy whities allow serial killers a place to hold their copy of “Catcher in the Rye”.
3) Point well taken. Agreed.
In the end, I’d say that I’d go either way, however my favorite pair of pants are button fly.
(P.S. – Lets swap pictures. XXX?)
button flies are teh sexay! I could go into it more, but I might have to douse myself with cold cold water, preferably the sweat from dwayne wades's brow. mmm.
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