Vicious Biker Sniper Gang Uses Salmonella Toxic Waste To Take Unsuspecting Photos Of You! [Chris]

Uhhhh...hi...ok, introductions are over.

You see what I did with the title? That's what local news does every night.

I think I've hated local news for as long as local news has existed. (I am omnipresent and forever lasting backwards and forwards)

Please don't try to make sense out of that last sentence. You see…local news will lie. And by lie I mean tell horribly bad untruths without a speck of remorse for you, the viewer. Usually they'll try to scare you into watching. This tactic sometimes works on my mother, but I developed a keen resistance and now convert all local anchor speak to a convenient "mwa-mwa-mwa", a la every Charlie Brown teacher. I’m adapting to survive urban life just like Charles Darwin would predict.

So, like I was saying -- Champion Sex Abuser Mountain Cat Finds Bird Flu In Big Guns!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That was an obvious cry for attention.

So in closing, I guess what I'm really trying to say is….I hate you local news. I hate you.

P.S – I hate you local news.