Haters in Nature [Liam]
I decided I wanted to post something today, but I really haven't been big on the autobiographical haterade these days... I still need to post my illustrated / informational guide to hobo attacks.
Anyway I just had an idea we're gonna try out. Maybe it'll be hot. Maybe it'll flop. I'd like to turn away from my own life to the natural world, in a feature called:
TARANTULA HAWK WASP
Most Hateful Ownage
This bug has long been a subject of fascination, and I expect most of you are familiar with the basics of what these guys do...
Here's a new one, though: they get drunk. According to their Wikipedia article, "the consumption of fermented fruit sometimes intoxicates them to the point that flight becomes difficult." On a good night, they presumably follow this up with what any two inch hater insect would... going cruising for bigass hairy tarantulas more than twice their own size. Stinging them stupid and crippled, then DRAGGING their incapacitated asses home (see video). Stuffing them in a hole in the ground. Laying eggs on their heads like a Japanese porno for bugs. Letting T-Hawk larvae eat them alive, beginning with juices and moving slowly on to the vital organs. I believe Jaba the Hutt threatened Han Solo with something like this, but even that didn't have any humiliating egg bukkake component.
STRAY BABOONS
Best in Show
From the South African Sunday Times:
A BABOON that has bullied a community for months has struck again, sending a coffin flying as it went berserk at a funeral vigil while mourners scattered in terror.
...
...
I'm so impressed I can't even come up with something to say.
That's SO hardcore. I mean what animal has the pure, hateful intuition to disrespect a FUNERAL with its bare-assed rampage? The level of creativity exhibited here far surpasses what some human haters could put together. A FUNERAL!
"The vigil had to be stopped because everyone was afraid that the baboon might strike again. I have never seen such a thing in my life."
LOL.
More:The baboon from Kliptown in Soweto is fast becoming legendary with a reign that has lasted for months. It got so bad that locals have imposed a curfew to protect themselves from the marauding beast. It has been blamed for at least six attacks on people recently, including dropping through the ceiling onto a sleeping 15-year-old.
DROPPING... THROUGH... THE CEILING.
It's like this is some kind of trained slapstick monkey, on the run with nothing to lose. You just aren't born knowing how to ambush a teenage kid through the roof. It takes meticulous planning and a trained eye for the absurd and hilarious.
Source
Anyway I just had an idea we're gonna try out. Maybe it'll be hot. Maybe it'll flop. I'd like to turn away from my own life to the natural world, in a feature called:
TARANTULA HAWK WASP
Most Hateful Ownage
This bug has long been a subject of fascination, and I expect most of you are familiar with the basics of what these guys do...
Here's a new one, though: they get drunk. According to their Wikipedia article, "the consumption of fermented fruit sometimes intoxicates them to the point that flight becomes difficult." On a good night, they presumably follow this up with what any two inch hater insect would... going cruising for bigass hairy tarantulas more than twice their own size. Stinging them stupid and crippled, then DRAGGING their incapacitated asses home (see video). Stuffing them in a hole in the ground. Laying eggs on their heads like a Japanese porno for bugs. Letting T-Hawk larvae eat them alive, beginning with juices and moving slowly on to the vital organs. I believe Jaba the Hutt threatened Han Solo with something like this, but even that didn't have any humiliating egg bukkake component.
STRAY BABOONS
Best in Show
From the South African Sunday Times:
A BABOON that has bullied a community for months has struck again, sending a coffin flying as it went berserk at a funeral vigil while mourners scattered in terror.
...
...
I'm so impressed I can't even come up with something to say.
That's SO hardcore. I mean what animal has the pure, hateful intuition to disrespect a FUNERAL with its bare-assed rampage? The level of creativity exhibited here far surpasses what some human haters could put together. A FUNERAL!
"The vigil had to be stopped because everyone was afraid that the baboon might strike again. I have never seen such a thing in my life."
LOL.
More:The baboon from Kliptown in Soweto is fast becoming legendary with a reign that has lasted for months. It got so bad that locals have imposed a curfew to protect themselves from the marauding beast. It has been blamed for at least six attacks on people recently, including dropping through the ceiling onto a sleeping 15-year-old.
DROPPING... THROUGH... THE CEILING.
It's like this is some kind of trained slapstick monkey, on the run with nothing to lose. You just aren't born knowing how to ambush a teenage kid through the roof. It takes meticulous planning and a trained eye for the absurd and hilarious.
Source
3 Comments:
This is my favorite post of all time.
Yes im sitting here in my boxers at 7:20pm on a Saturday laughing my ass off at an ape crashing a funeral and jumping through a ceiling to ambush a kid..hilarious and very ninja!
Hhhahaha...Jesus that is hella good.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home